Looking back through my blog, my first post was written on the 22nd of September. It's hard to believe how fast this year went by. My stay in El Salvador has impacted me in more ways than I could know and being back in the states - back home - it still weighs heavy on my mind every day in the way I view my surroundings and how I assess my own happiness.
I meant to write a note after I returned home, but for the longest time I simply couldn't. How can I begin to put into words my feelings and experiences, let alone explain them in a coherent way that gives meaning to these words. I feel different and changed, and at the same time, I still feel like the same Kellen from before I left. I feel very blessed to have been given the opportunity to extend my experience and I feel so humbled to have learned in an environment that is so different from what I was and am used to. I'm appreciative of the language acquisition and confident about my future. Today my life is in place, more than ever before. I know what I want to do and I am on my way to achieving my goals. It feels great.
Needless to say 18 days went by very fast. My last post was a little over 6 months ago, and I have been in Flagstaff now for about five months which is a lot when compared to the eight months I spent down in Central America.
I returned home and was happy to see my family, my dog, my friends, my culture.. but the transition was also hard. I got really sick in May and spent a few days in the hospital to which the doctors never assigned a cause; although, I attribute it to the change in diet. After I got back I started working at Baskin Robbins, my job from high school. It's strange for me to have worked there for so long (I started my Junior year) because it has served as a constant throughout all my change and development. My coworkers are like my second family. It's nice to know I have something stable in my life to lean on . . . even if that stability happens to be Baskin Robbins.
At first I was discouraged. How could I come back to the "real" world to serve ice cream in a sector of the economy that I deem unnecessary? After seeing the impoverished countryside of El Salvador and experiencing first hand the shortage and contamination of water in this "developing" nation, how could I stand an eight hour shift watching the dipper wells constantly pump out fresh water, watching it drain down the sink. The amount of trash accumulated from cups and napkins, and all this waste of resources so that the American customer can consume an overpriced cup of ice cream that isn't even healthy for them. I came to a critical decision, realizing that in order to be at peace with myself I had to view each culture differently and although it felt to me that I was justifying an evil so that I could sleep at night, I couldn't have continued down that one way road for I would've eventually been drowned in endless thought and still unable to take action. . .
One thought that simply resonated with every step in my home country was that of inequality. How could the world be so unfair? How can societies and people justify the gross boundaries that separate each and every one of us from each other, and other groups of people. The degradation of others, and the prejudice and hate stabbed at me tearing at an already open wound.. for the states are no where near perfect and for every step towards equality we have taken, there exists an inequality and discrimination in our very own backyard, something I may have been less aware of in the past. Perhaps naïve.
How can I continue without mentioning privilege? Suddenly my life became a reflection of all that I have taken for granted, and I felt ashamed and sad for my depreciation. The memories of faces and places, etched so deeply into my brain, started to flit into my waking vision. It didn't take much conviction for me to take upon a sense of responsibility. However I have now come to realize that this, too, is unhealthy. I can not blame myself for the social status I was born into. Whether it be the Creator, destiny, or pure coincidence, I was granted the liberties and privileges I was, and it's time to make good use of them.
As I was struggling to keep my head above water, revelation and a wake up call came to me mid July when I took off two weeks from work to go down to Tucson, Arizona, and volunteer with a local NGO called No Más Muertes (No More Deaths) that aims to end migrant deaths on the U.S./Mexcio border. This reminder showed me that there is a lot that I can do. Let me take a moment to share a quote by Dr. Tom Dooley that is one of my new favorites (thanks Brennen:p)
"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. What I can do, I ought to do, and what I ought to do, by the grace of God, I will do."
In Tucson, I spent a week sleeping on the desert floor, clad in a snug sleeping bag and protected from the rain and scorpions with my tent that, in this case, served as another sign of privilege as I thought of the hundreds of migrants who make the long journey through the Sonoran desert in a less comfortable manner. No More Deaths does not condone the illegal entry of migrants through the desert; however, as a humanitarian aid group, they do condem the abuse of said illegals by the abhorrent Border Control service and seek to provide basic human rights necessities to those who wander the desert. The migrant trails, which NMD has spent years tracking and mapping, are assessed for high trafficking and various "water drops" have been established at major intersections or markers. Here gallons of water and cans of beans are usually left in hopes that they will save a life. NMD runs these volunteer sessions during the hottest months of the year (May to September) and July was about as hot as it gets in Arizona, which (with the exception of Flagstaff) is HOT. At base camp, about 20 people camp out at any time. Of course every volunteer has their own story and amount of time volunteering, and it was refreshing to see so many faces who care just as much as I do about this issue. Although we were not all there for the same reasons, we were all of same heart, and that kind of connection is rare to find in a social setting. Bird Camp (as it's called) is an oasis in the desert, near the town of Arivaca.
A quick explanation of what we did. Everyday we rose with the sun and cooked breakfast. The day was split into two portions: morning and afternoon. We would split into small teams of at least three, making sure each group was equipped with a Spanish interpretor and a medically trained person in the event of crossing paths with migrants (which happens rarely). Groups would further split into patrols, drop-offs, or one group would hold the fort. Patrols consisted of walking the trails with food and water in search for migrants to aid, usually leaving gallons of water along the trail. Drop-offs meant going to one of the designated water drop-off areas and noting if the water is moving, if Border Patrol has vandalised said water (some times we would find bullet holes through them, or find them slashed), or if there is no activity in the area; indicators to the traffic (if any) that is moving through a particular area. I could go on for ages about this experience, but I would like to summarise and mention that this was some of the most difficult and trying work I have ever done. To see and experience the migrant trails first hand was beyond words. The trails are decorated with trash, water bottles, cans of food, I even saw a baby doll and bottle which broke my heart. The topic of immigration is one of the most controversial in the states in our current day, and although I'm sure you all could surmise my stance, I want this to be less political and focus on the human emotion generated. We can argue about the logistics of immigration and solutions for hours but the reality is thousands of people cross the U.S. border every day for an array of reasons that are so specific and unique -- just like every single person that makes the journey -- that we simply cannot generalise or place a stereotype on any one individual crossing the desert. The important point I'm trying to make is that every human has basic human rights which include alimentation and survival, something that is negated to these immigrants once border patrol picks them up for deportation. NMD has really grown in many parts due to this branch of the police force that was only introduced to the border in the late 90s after Operation: Hold The Line and similar bills began to be passed in order to counteract the influx of new migrants.
The second week I spent in Nogales, Arizona which is only partially in Arizona, and primarily in the state of Sonora, Mexico. When I first arrived in the city I was overwhelmed with feelings. It was out of a storybook. To my left, winding down the last bit of Interstate 19, lay Nogales, Arizona, an american town aligned with large houses with driveways, McDonalds and Wendy's with the only discrepancy being that Spanish was much more prevalent than English in the street signs as well as the dialogue in the streets. However different, it was nothing in comparison to what lay to the right. A giant wall that has been in the development for over a decade divides the town in two. Behind the barred, jail-resembling fence, the bright colours of Mexico danced on houses and shops that stood crammed together along the busy streets. The clash of cultures could not be more apparent. Walking down International Street, you pass a Border Patrol car with every step and the wall beats down on you as a very real reminder of your boundaries. To enter into Mexico we simply showed our passports and walked across at the gate. Getting back in took a much longer time and was much more drawn out. In Nogales, Sonora, NMD works out of a bus depot. This bus service works at providing newly deportees free bus rides south to major cities and states in Mexico. This service is not subsidised, but run from the wallets and sweaty backs of a local Mexican family. NMD sets up and gives free phone calls to these deportees so they may contact families and friends. Many times they arrive back in Mexico without I.D. or money. Many are not even Mexicans, but Hondurans, Guatemalans, Salvadorans, etc. who are literally stranded in this border town. Northern Mexico is the most dangerous part as well, due solely to the proximity to the border. Juarez and Tijuana (Texas and California border respectively) are the most famous areas where drug trafficking is obvious, but it is a problem across all 2,000 miles of international boundary.
. Nogales Border
. More wall
As a part of NMD I facilitated in giving phone calls to deportees, but more than anything I just sat and listened to their stories. It's often important to talk about their traumatic experience and I sat there for hours in the sun, hanging on to every word. One man had lived in Tempe the past 11 years and we laughed about restaurants we have both eaten at. This trip brought a face to immigration for me and I felt deeply moved to see a side we often hear nothing of in the states. NMD also reports on Border Patrol abuse, and unfortunately there are many cases that must be processed every day.
Returning home to Flagstaff, I decided there was a lot I could do to still be active, and I got in touch with the Murdoch community center and arranged to take over the ESL class on tuesday nights, which I have been teaching now since the 16th of August.
August 1st I started my second job at NAU in the office of financial aid in the scholarship department. I moved out of my parents' home June 15th to a small apartment/duplex downtown with a couple friends from high school. The rest of August I spent working. Between the two jobs I worked 40-60 hours a week, which felt great when I was able to pay off school charges (after my scholarships covered the majority) and pay rent!
School started Aug. 29th. I am surprised at how interesting most of my classes are and how well I am able to engage in these classes. I'm taking 17 hours (5 courses) and still working my two jobs (about 25 hours a week between the two) so I'm almost always busy but I'm enjoying it. It keeps me focused.
I have declared my major as Secondary education with an emphasis in Spanish and French. I'm debating between sociology and Latin American studies for a minor. We'll see.
I'm taking the following courses: Spanish 301: Advanced Grammar. French 101. Maths 102 (Algebra). History 280: Colonial Latin America (by far my most engaging and interesting class). and Politics 201 (an intro course).
It's a lot of work but I like it. French was (...is) very hard for me but I'm starting to get a better flow of it now that we've started learning verbs and the present tense. It's very similar to English and also Spanish. My friend said it's Spanish mispronounced which half of the time I would agree with, but it's a really beautiful language too. I probably spend the most time studying french but it's paid off (all A's on my three tests so far!)
To reflect and conclude, this year has been immense in the sense of how much I have done and experienced. I have grown a lot I believe and while every day I miss El Salvador, I know it's still there waiting for me. I probably skype with my host family once every few weeks and I look forward to every time we spend hours talking to each other. I couldn't have been luckier in having an amazing family to watch over me. I miss them terribly.
I'm glad I started school in the spring (even though I wasn't so happy at the time) because I'm also almost done with my liberal course studies. A few summer classes and I'll be back on track with my peers. With my specialty in Spanish I have been talking to International Exchange Advisors and I'm applying to study abroad for the 2012-13 academic year in Granada, Spain. I would love to make that my goal and keep working towards that, but I'm also taking a moment to appreciate Flagstaff. I've been staying over at my parents occasionally during weekends and living in the now.
Thank you for reading this and supporting me and being in my life. I couldn't keep going if I didn't know the love and support that I had in every single one of you.
I can't believe it's been over a year since I left for El Salvador. I can't wait to see what this year has in store.
My host family and me
My host sister
My dog and I in Flag
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